IT MUST BE LGBTQIA+ NOT LGB

Jon Stewart when discussing Anti-Trans myths regarding gender affirming care:

Whatever discomfort we might feel in the changing norms of reality, myself included, it is no match for the discomfort and fear felt by those seeking acceptance. [1]

Blessed are those who try; those who transform, who transition.
Blessed are the queers; who love creation enough to live the truth of it, despite a world that tells them they cannot. [2]

At the top of my being queer page, I displayed the traditional lesbian and gay rainbow flag. I have a sentimental connection with this flag and also with the pink triangle; I have marched with them and I had the gay rainbow flag sticker on the back of my cars in Pittsburgh and San Diego (haven't owned a car since I left the US and I guess one doesn't do this anymore.) But I also added the intersex-inclusive progress flag at the top because all the groups represented by the flag should stand together. The progress flag adds light blue, pink, and white to represent transgender people; brown and black to represent ethnic minorities because, ... well we have been a bit of a white club to put it mildly, and the black stripes also remind us of the never closing holes in our world because of all the queer people who died too early because of AIDS, queer bashing, or shame-induced self destruction. Therefore, it is the progress flag that is hanging from my balcony during pride, both out of my Amsterdam and out of my London flat. And the purple circle in the yellow triangle represents intersex individuals.

A couple years ago, I would not have bothered to include this section. Unfortunately, there are now some voices that want to separate the LGBs from the other queer folks and the trans members are facing a lot of abuse by this group. Fortunately, there are not many of them and they are typically older and only found in conservative circles. But they do have some political influence with the current conservative UK government.

I consider ALL "queer" people to be my siblings. I believe that we belong to the same tribe and that we should be an all inclusive family. Why? To explain why I focus on what trans people go through these days.
  • All queer people go through a challenging period of discovery when we find out that we are different; not only different from most in society but also different from the rest of our family, our friends, and the people in the neighbourhood we live in. And it is a lonely secretive journey, at least initially when we are disconnected from friends and family. It is typical that young queers don't feel worthy and don't make meaningful relationships. This very isolated experiences of being queer not shared by other disadvantaged groups. Check out this nice TikTok video on loneliness by @verybland.
  • Because of this, most queer people do not have a normal adolescence, even today and even in the western world. I felt I started my adolescence when I came out in my early twenties. And that is still a recognisable feeling; check out this touching TikTok video on second adolescence by @verybland.
  • The prejudice and humiliation we (have) face(d) is extremely similar for the different members of our group. There are differences, but those are differences in time and place. Currently, LGBs have a much better position than the other branches of the queer tree. But go back in time 30-40 years and read what was then written about LGBs by even the elite media and you'll discover that remarkably similar language is used to describe the world of trans people these days. For example, in terms of being trans just being a phase, it being a choice, it being something you can be talked out or cured from. And in terms of trans people not understanding their own feelings and not knowing what is best for themselves even though many trans people are already very aware at a very young age. And in terms of how education about queer issues will turn people trans and the harsh rebukes for those people and organisations who are supportive of trans lives. Whenever I read such commentary I feel empathy with trans people (and kids especially), but also get depressed by being reminded of how I was once hurt by the same type of rhetoric. There is one difference between what young trans people are facing now and what LGBs faced when I was young. And that is the extremely hateful disdainful stuff they are exposed to on the omnipresent social media. Yes, there always have been people who felt the need to be patronising and destructive. But it used to be that you could escape it more easily, say by moving into different circles.
  • And consistent with how similar things remain over time, the queer bashers such as this time the "gender-critical" TERFs still get support from right-wing organisations such as Hearts of Oak who are also islamophobic, racist, and against women's reproductive rights.
  • And once again there is the condemnation and the condescending treatment of trans people as inferiors by conservative religion. Again, differences are shifts in time and place. Religion again wants to impose a patriarchal system in which people have to fit into a system even though after years of struggle they know it doesn't work for them and makes them terribly unhappy. From these circles calls for conversion therapy are the strongest just as they for a long time supported this for gays. Not surprisingly, western churches want to impose a binary gender view and think that this is natural even though this binary view is actually not something that is found across the world. See The Pink Line by Mark Gevisser for example.
  • Building on the same theme, the legal challenges queer people (have) face(d) and lack of legal recognition are similar to the struggle trans people face now. Again, differences are shifts in time and place.
  • I have heard some argue that sexual preference is something completely different than gender issues and that there, thus, should be separate political fights. I find this such a shocking statement in that it reveals a massive lack of knowledge of gay and lesbian experiences. Zillions of gays have been bullied for being (stereotypical) feminine and zillions of lesbians have been put down for being (stereotypical) masculine. Moreover, for many gays and lesbians these non-conforming gender traits have been cherished characteristics of their identify. I know many gay men who challenge(d) traditional gender roles while still identifying with being a man. That could be wearing earrings, having manicures and/or plucked eyebrows or wearing skirts or perhaps going for full drag. And what would pride be without the dykes on bikes? That is, many LGBs have not confirmed to traditional gender roles either. Real life just isn't that binary, not in terms of gender and not in germs of being gay/trans.
  • I understand that some LGBs are somewhat concerned that their own position in society will be diminished if they support the currently politically more disadvantaged in our queer family. It may be important for them to "fit in" Not to be queer but to be like the mainstream "normal" people as much as possible except then for their sexual preference. But I think we should have courage and stand up for all.
Fortunately, virtually all LGBs are fully supportive of the rest of the queer family and do not want to be part of an LGB split. And in society at large there is also a lot of support for trans, non-binary, and intersex people especially among the young. But not all is well.

It seems that what is especially important is that some think that transgender women are not necessarily women. And for some it is important to loudly and repeatedly announce that even though it is clearly hurtful to trans women. Happy to admit that there are some issues to think about such as when trans women should be allowed to participate in professional women's sport competition (although it seems weird how upset people get and I found this instagram post useful). And we should make sure that trans people of all ages get excellent advice and health care.

Women have very good reasons to be afraid of men. And so it is not surprising that women (or fathers of daughters) are worried that trans women are more like men than women. And this fear leads some to argue that transgender women should not be allowed in women's locker rooms and bathrooms. Of course, this is not the first time groups of people feel fear towards other groups. Wasn't it the same when white people were afraid to open up their schools to black children? When white families didn't want black families moving into their streets? When universities didn't want to have female students? When the military was afraid to include gays and women? When straight women were afraid to have lesbians in locker rooms because they may then be inappropriately watched? When the corporate world didn't want women in leadership positions? I think history has taught us we can be less afraid and we should realise that all us humans are a bit different and fortunately don't fall into neat categories with homogeneous subjects. In all those cases what mattered was facts and discussion to see how realistic that fear was. So let's collect data on how often trans women abuse women and in particular whether in countries were it is easier to legally change your gender whether there is more abuse of women by trans women. Similarly, I would encourage more trans people to tell their story and how the current debate affects them. I think part of the problem is that many who participate in the debate don't know many trans people personally.

Given that I see so much similarity between what trans people go through now and what I went through 30-40 years ago I may be biased. In particular, I personally would think that if someone is that vicious and wants to abuse women, then they are not going to be stopped by a rule that says that transgender women are not allowed in women's locker rooms. Also, I would think that trans women are much more likely to be abused if they have to change in men's locker rooms (or separated in another way) than cis women by trans women in women's locker rooms. But maybe I am wrong. Unfortunately, I see very little careful reporting. Instead there is a lot of anger and vicious name calling. It is true that this happens on both sides. A difference, however, is that one side consist of a very small marginalised minority.

What I am really afraid of? Given what has happened in the past, it is understandable that women don't trust men in general and also that some have been so affected that this fear is also felt for those women who were not born with a full set of female genitals but who have transitioned and live as women. But suppose that gender-critical women with the support of some right-wing organisations succeed in curtailing the rights of trans men and women and more generally harm the wellbeing of trans people. What is next? Isn't it obvious that the next group to be picked on will be butch lesbians as well as feminine gays (according to stereotypical norms). And after that all lesbians and gays! I was once told, that I didn't belong and in the boys' locker room. It would be naive to think this risk isn't there any more. When we see how conservatives are gaining power in several European countries and in the US, then we shouldn't be surprised when this will happen. If LGBs have set the example by discriminating against other minorities then we shouldn't be surprised if the bigots in the world will follow that example and exclude more queer people. And believe me, LGBs may scream that they are LGB and not queer, but I am not so sure mainstream will agree. And after that it may be women and ethnic minorities who will be targeted.