Wouter J. den Haan - Friend of Dorothy and music fan without talent





My Gay/Queer journey speaking its name
& some other stuff

          ... He said, 'My name is Love.'
Then straight the first did turn himself to me
And cried, 'He lieth, for his name is Shame,
But I am Love, and I was wont to be
Alone in this fair garden, till he came
Unasked by night; I am true Love, I fill
The hearts of boy and girl with mutual flame.'
Then sighing, said the other, 'Have thy will,
I am the love that dare not speak its name.'
From Two Loves (1892) by Alfred Douglas.







In the mid nineties, I was one of the first at UCSD who created their own website. And almost right away I posted a row with the gay rainbow flags on my website which didn't contain much else yet as my career had just started; a couple years later I added two pictures of me in gay demonstrations. Over the years, I have received quite a few touching words of thanks by students for doing this; and just the one negative email. Sadly enough, even in 2024 there are still LSE students who are looking for support and thank me for this personal page (see below) because they don't see enough people "like them" in their university life. Putting diversity flags on buildings during pride month isn't enough.


WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?


STUDENT RESPONSES TO THESE PAGES

    "the kindness of a few people is not a substitute for a proactively inclusive culture, which I do not think LSE has."

    "It may not be part of a formal evaluation, but LSE econ is really not the most diverse place. I never expected that this would have such an impact on me, but seeing someone 'like me' teaching at LSE actually meant a lot to me."

And here is another one.

    "When I was looking up the timings of your office hours, I came across your website. The first thing that I saw was your statement on LSE leaving Stonewall, so I would really like to thank you for speaking up about this. I then went on to read the 'Being Queer' section, much of which resonated with me as a queer student. There is definitely a lack of queer representation within LSE Economics, as well as within economics in general, so I really appreciate you using your platform to talk about your experiences and important topics regarding the LGBTQ+ community!"

And another touching one.

    "... You are the first teacher that I met who came out publicly as gay man. I looked at your personal website, and found you did not hide it at all. For me, I identified myself as gay man since my primary school. But in my hometown back in China, a gay would not be accepted at all. So I was deep in the closet, and I did not know any other gay men around me until I started to use gay app in college. ... But you are so great as gay man, you came out so early when the western world was as conservative as the current China society. You are so dedicated to your career. I never saw a professor who care about the study of his students as you. I can see that you really want to make sure your students do good in your course, and everyone respect you for this. You really really give me courage in the sense that if I work hard in my field, and I will be respected for my achievements. I was always so afraid of living on my own for the rest of my life. But now I think if I can have a career that I devote to, I will not be lonely and I will be respected. " complete message

This is a comment from the course survey of my 2023 AT EC2B1 course:

    "I also highly appreciate having an economics professor who is openly part of the LGBTQ+ community (as I found out from Wouter's website, which was really nice to read). I would like to go into a career in academia, and it is promising to see that there is a space for 'people like me' within this, especially given the particular demographic that comes to mind when thinking about the field of economics in general."

At least once a year, a student contacts me asking for a bit of support. This is an especially touching one

    " Hey Wouter, Thank you for the reply and the short chat before class today. I am sorry for replying so late in the evening, I spent a large part of my evening reading through your blog and ruminating on the things that you spoke of in it, which were very eye-opening and inspirational.
I do believe that some of my issues may stem from identity-related issues and not fitting in well within the LSE community (among other issues), and I would love to have a chat with you tomorrow afternoon if it is amenable with you, to ask you for some advice and to glean some insights from you, as I am quite lost on the position that I am in right now. ..." This is part of the second email I received. In their first email, the student wrote: Hi Wouter, I am XXX. I am so sorry for the late email tonight, I avoided sending it as I was trying my best to work on the problem set throughout the whole of today.
I am not sure what's happening to me, but I had quite a hard summer over the past few months, and I am in quite a bad place mentally right now. I have been trying to work on the lecture and the problem set for a whole day now, but I really don't know why my mind is a little cloudy and my brain is processing things ridiculously slowly.
I am so sorry for disturbing you late into the night and I hope that you can understand if I fall a little behind the course right now. I wish I could tell you what was wrong, and when I will be fine, but I am a little lost right now ...

I also got some rewarding responses from those who are not part of the LGBTQIA+ community. Here are two examples.

    "I see your bravery by browsing your webpage and reading your stories, which inspires me to embrace courage. Being heterosexual, I get to know more about LGBTQ+ community from your webpage. And I think I can understand the feelings of being discriminated, given my Chinese face even in cities like ... and London. ... I very much get moved by the song "Something Inside So Strong". ... I do hope I could be more courageous like you in my life. Your webpage is really valuable. I think my hope and courage for the unsettled future, my passion&love for education, greatly originate from educators like you. Thank you for being such a great educator. This means a lot to me." a bit more from this message

and

    "we came across your personal website whilst studying for macro, and we wanted to say we found your story really moving and powerful. Thank you for being a great professor, and an even better human being!!"

SOMETHING INSIDE SO STRONG
Do you face discrimination, inequity, injustice, bigotry, intolerance, or prejudice, just because you are (considered) different? Then this is a song for you.

"Something Inside So Strong" was written by Labi Siffre in 1984, inspired by a documentary on Apartheid. But he mentioned later, that the song was also influenced by his experience as a gay man. The first time I heard this song, it was sung by Son of a Tutu in Heaven (the famous London gay nightclub). This Youtube version is from a performance by the same artist in the Royal Vauxhaul Tavern, another famous gay venue in London.

The higher you build your barriers
The taller I become
The further you take my rights away
The faster I will run
You can deny me
You can decide to turn your face away
No matter, cos there's

Something inside so strong
I know that I can make it
Tho' you're doing me wrong, so wrong
You thought that my pride was gone
Oh no, something inside so strong
Oh oh oh oh oh something inside so strong

The more you refuse to hear my voice
The louder I will sing
You hide behind walls of Jericho
Your lies will come tumbling
Deny my place in time
You squander wealth that's mine
My light will shine so brightly
It will blind you
Cos there's

Something inside so strong
I know that I can make it
Tho' you're doing me wrong, so wrong
You thought that my pride was gone
Oh no, something inside so strong
Oh oh oh oh oh something inside so strong
Brothers and sisters
When they insist we're just not good enough
When we know better
Just look 'em in the eyes and say
We're gonna do it anyway 2x

Something inside so strong
And I know that I can make it
Tho' you're doing me wrong, so wrong
You thought that my pride was gone
Oh no, something inside so strong
Oh oh oh oh oh something inside so strong

Brothers and sisters
When they insist we're just not enough
When we know better
Just look 'em in the eyes and say
We're gonna do it anyway 4x

Because there's something inside so strong
And I know that I can make it
Tho' you're doing me, so wrong
Oh no, something inside so strong
Oh oh oh oh oh something inside so strong




Only my eyes stayed the same
A queer! I am one now and always have been!