Wouter den Haan Denhaan

Growing up gay: a couple stories
& movies that help(ed)

First love. A content me sitting in the front row at the far right. During my first year in secondary school, a boy in another group captivated me because of his handsome looks. At the time, I had no idea that this was a gay thing and that I was falling in love. I "just" wanted him to be my friend. I knew bits of his class schedule and what to do to run into him. I didn't have a lot of hope of gaining his affection, partly because he was in 1K (where the smartest kids were) and I was (just) in 1E. But in the second year, we ended up in the same group (2K). This picture was taken at the very beginning of the second year when I had just turned 13. In the picture, we are as far apart as possible, but he became my best friend and we sat next to each other for the next five years. Only gradually did I realise that my feelings for him were more than just a strong wish "to be friends". Nothing happened romantically or sexually (I was way too shy and he was straight anyway). Those early teen years where actually happy years. I think I was somewhat popular or at least acted like it. I had no idea what being gay or my desires for friendship with boys meant. That would all change a couple years later. And like so many queer youths I also was hurt by growing up in a repressive world in which homosexuality was rarely brought up and if at all in a negative way. When that happened, my joyful feelings for such a wonderful and very intelligent boy turned out to be very important and surely helped me in never feeling ashamed of being gay. And although I had to hide what gave me inner happiness and meaning, I never wanted to be different. Those first innocent beautiful desires laid the foundation of the person I was to become.

Bullying and the nerds that saved me. Here I am surrounded by the four girls in our class. I put this picture up because there was a 2-3 month period where I was bullied consistently. During the first half of secondary school I was quite popular; I had decent looks and got attention from some sought-after girls. I also had a big mouth and was sent to the (deputy) head for misbehaving quite frequently. But my friends and I were growing apart. It wasn't just that I was gay. I was also quite a bit late in my development and actually thought the other boys' conversations were becoming a quite gross. Of course, I didn't tell them that, but I also didn't participate. So at some point, Koos started picking on me and the others let it happen. The faggot curse was thrown at me a couple times, also in relation to my friend Wim and this hurt me the most. The worst was an incident in the locker room when Koos grabbed me and pushed me onto Wim who was sitting on a bench. When he let go he said that I belonged in the girls' locker room. The bullying stopped when it had become clear that — although I could still hang out with them — my role in this group of popular kids had become one of (very) minor importance. To be honest, I had not always been such a nice person myself, both to peers and teachers and realized being bullied myself was a useful learning experience. Nevertheless, it was painful and was relieved I could select courses so that classes would mainly be with a completely different group of students (and Wim did the same). And although these kids were not the popular high school kids, I actually had a lot more fun with them than with my previous friends because several had an amazing sense of humor (especially Marinus). I also learned that studying worked as a soothing escape. So, I consider these nerds my saviours. There actually is another gay guy in this picture (interestingly, also surrounded by women), but we didn't know this about each other at the time! Didn't we grow up in sad times? He found out about me when looking at my website in the mid nineties and saw the gay rainbow flags and my March on Washington picture. And I only found out about him after he emailed me.
A couple years after the bulling period, the gay thing came up one more time. Before classes started, the group of popular boys mentioned above were talking about a tv program in which they — for the first time — had encountered a non-negative view about homosexuality. I was not aware of it, but wouldn't have had the guts to watch the program at home anyway. The program makers must have done a good job because Arthur, a butch and very straight guy, said that the homosexual guy (language of the day) was actually a sympathetic bloke ('aardige gozer' in Dutch). After which Thijs (a guy who I have never encountered as mean spirited) said that "yeah and Wouter is also sympathetic ('best aardig' in Dutch)." Of course, this was followed by laughter and the guy next to me gave me a (not unfriendly) push. Now I never worried much that people "could tell," but I thought about this event a lot. Did Thijs really think I could be gay or did he just need somebody for his joke and he wouldn't get into trouble by choosing me?

Most stereotypical Blaise Pascal student. Blaise Pascal was the name of my secondary school. While I was fairly confident early on that changed drastically when I (and fellow students) began to notice I was a bit different. I didn't only feel different because I definitely wasn't interested in girls. I also became quite concerned about being short (for Dutch standards), skinny and "challenged" in basically any sport involving a ball. Strangely enough, I could run fast, but what is the point if you cannot keep the ball with you or take it from another person. To compensate, I did make sure to follow the latest fashion trends in terms of clothing and hair style. This wasn't too difficult in the 70s as it mainly meant jeans and army jackets. I would have preferred to dress differently (more classy), but I did love the cowboy boots that became popular in the mid 70s. I also compensated by making sure I got into trouble on a somewhat regular basis and in fact was the one in my group that was sent out of the class to go the (deputy) headmaster the most. In each of the six years! But this also says about how well behaved my class mates were. Also, it was not always planned; it also happened "by accident" as both in primary and in secondary school I was still naturally lively. The last year in primary school the teacher separated me from the usual group of four early on and I had to sit by myself the rest of the year. That had happened before, but never permanently. I wonder whether this bubbly talkative personality would have survived if I would not have been gay. Anyway, I tried very hard to fit in after I turned 15 and continuously struggled to believe I had passed.
During my Apollo days, I met another Blaise Pascal student. I didn't remember him; he was a couple years younger and it was a big school with over a thousand students. But he remembered me. And he remembered me as "the most stereotypical Blaise Pascal student." Up to this day, I am still puzzled by his statement. Perhaps I should have asked him to elaborate. In some objective measures, I definitely wasn't typical. I was short and skinny. In my desire to dress and act like others, I had perhaps succeeded in ways I never had imagined, at least in the eyes of younger student. If that was it, then I wish I had known it then. But perhaps it was something else. When young, he had been a bit chubby and perhaps he thought that somebody on the other side of the spectrum was better off. I am quite sure he didn't mean it as a compliment. Perhaps, it wasn't a statement about the end result. I suspect his characterisation was about me desperately trying to be stereotypical which he already understood to be not a good thing.

1989: Carnegie Mellon University is a pioneer by naming a building after a gay student While I was a student at CMU, a "building" was named after me. Here I am with my friend Shu who helped me put up the "DENHAAN HALL" sign on a Friday evening thinking that this way it would be visible the whole weekend before it would be taken down by maintenance on Monday. The campus police officer who had been in front of the gym actually game over to see what we were doing but then we were done and in the dark he didn't see anything had changed. But it was never taken down! Lots of people saw the sign since our trailers were on a busy path towards the gym. And so it happened a few times that I would introduce myself and people would respond by saying "ah from Denhaan Hall". And my office mate Julius answered the phone saying "Denhaan Hall" for a (short) while. There were 12! PhD students in each trailer, but somehow we still managed to be productive and write our dissertations. Btw, I was not responsible for the displaced traffic sign. I have forgotten who was responsible, but I suspect it was Shu (he had also brought a parking meter filled with quarters into our trailer). My sign lasted a lot longer than the traffic sign.

At UCSD, junior faculty performed in annual holiday skits making fun of senior faculty and staff. Here I am playing Danielle who was in charge of the PhD program. Valerie Ramey did the makeup and found me a wig and a pair of heels.